HAPPY OCTOBER!!

I want to be able to tell everyone I know how much I love them. I guess it is easy, but it is hard to find the time. This is a strange thing for me to understand, considering I try my best to spend as much time with my friends as I possibly can. I feel there should be a time were we can all acknowledge our appreciation for each other.. but when? There is so many things I want to say, so many feelings I want to share and ideas I want to expand on. I have so many debts to repay and so many apologizes to give. I'm grown up now. We all are. I need to know that I will be as close to the people around me in 10...20...30 years as I am now. I've noticed in my recent behavior that I am a lot more quiet, timid and uncomfortable in situations that I normally would be most comfortable in. I don't know why that is happening but I want to change it. I'm not the same that I was and that is my fault. I'm not saying that I am perfectly happy with my past self. I have been disrespectful, disloyal and hurt a handful of people. I can not put into words how sorry and ashamed I am of some points in my life. I feel since then I have grown but there are things I am still unhappy about. I'm complaining for myself allowing this to be a reminder that whenever I am unhappy with something from here on I can adjust things to make myself more at ease.

to my 'classic tribe' and the few that have found their way out of my life: I love you, I miss a few and I going to do better.


whether this will mean anything to anyone or if this will even be read I'm not sure.. but it exists.


This has been an interesting summer but I think Fall of 2009 will be a new start of a better self.


Thank you for sticking with me

" I can't live in this city
But I was born here
And I know all these people
Where they went to high school
Where they got their angle
Here they waited tables
Still call me brother
Like Cain and Abel

There, see all those old men
How'd they get so swollen?
I got so many broke friends
Who say I owe them
From when we were children
How did it happen?
Where is it going?
Is that your question, man?
Where does all your frustration lie?
Why are you pulling out your hair at night?
Just try and have a good time
All the rest aside
You're still one of my kind

I can't think in this city
But I remember
I know every story that it ever told me
Well, I got the blueprint
To create my own myth
That's what made it tragic
Like a summer snowdrift

Yeah, going to call my first love
Meet her at the new club
Tell her all that I've done
Finally be forgiven
And get good and drunk
Like it feels you're young
There are things against us
But I will fight tooth and nail
Stand in the sickening sunshine
After staying out all night
And maybe it's the good life
All the rest aside
The rest aside
The rest aside
You're still one of my kind

I can't live in this city
But I'll probably die here
Maybe that's how you feel
Like a poisoned cornfield
Like a best friend backstabbed
An abandoned train track
We're living straight-lined
Are you one of my kind? "

what is up with putting skittles and M&M's in the same easter candy package? I don't condone segregation ...but come on...

Peanut Butter, I love you....just not in my ice cream.

I can’t paint your face
In this shallow dark
Four walled room

I can’t hear your words
Though the mechanics in my ears
Work in sync to form vibrations to sound

I don’t know what you stand for
What God you pray to at night
Or books you study

You can be tall
With your head in the clouds
Or short and hollow with substance thin

Your tongue could spill poetry
Or it can cut like knifes
And push through the toughest skin

You might walk real brave
With your chest pushed out
Or hunched over like a coward

But when I see tears of pain
And a collection of scars
When she lifts up her shirt

I spend my time wondering
If my hands are big enough
To fit around your throat

To close off your air ways
Allowing the last pathetic
Careless, unworthy breath to pass your lips

So I can piss on your grave
And recite your headstone engraved:
“In memory of someone not worth remembering”

Winter break is officially over. I start classes on monday but feel good about that. I am with Rachel LaMariana. Whether that 'with' means she's my girlfriend or not isn't exactly clear. It doesn't need to be right now. I know I'll be treating her like one. I like her a lot. a lot a lot a lot a lot. I'm really happy. I have a few plans that are going into effect starting monday. 

1) I want to take care of my body again. I'll be going to the gym and eating as healthy as possible. 

2) I want to learn how to play the guitar.

3) I want to write some serious shit. 

Rachel comes home for another break March 4th. Over a month away. Hopefully my plans will keep me busy. 

I miss my friends but feel good about having Pamp and Joey home with me for the semester. It is great to have people you can just chill out and talk to around. Our minds are on similar levels and that is a beautiful thing. 

I've started this 'project' called "all real thoughts." It is a collection of all thoughts I have that seem completely ridiculous but are often an actual major concern in my head. I'll post some things from that every once in awhile.

From the plastic blue

frame that shapes your world

to the hole punched walls

that help you dream

stand free from them both

and let yourself breathe